I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
