just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
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I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
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She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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