Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Found your dick twin last night
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
