Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
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I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
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Im part way to drunk.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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