it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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