Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
