sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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