and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
