i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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