I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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