my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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