Soap is not a condiment
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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