I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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