Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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