I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
