hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
