After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
