I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
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I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.