My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
