Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
