Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
