dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
