I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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