This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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