so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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