Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
