Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
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I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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