My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
