So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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