I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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