My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
