My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
