HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
