Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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Sorry Rumpelstiltskin hasn't picked any favorites yet.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry

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(469): View more from Texas

you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(213): View more from California

How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(765): View more from Indiana

Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"

(239): View more from Florida

I am the fairy godmother of the drink.

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(586): View more from Michigan

So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."

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