im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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