Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
