so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
