soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
