while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
