You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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