she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
