Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
