Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
