Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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