Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
