She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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