i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
