at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
