i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
