watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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