i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
