I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
