If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
