uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Randomize
