I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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