you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
