it's too hot outside to masturbate.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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