the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
